Bodhi
by Magic Brinuial
Summary: Oneshot. Edward coming to terms with his feelings for Bella, helped by Alice and Jasper.


Author's note: This is my first, and probably only, attempt at writing a Twilight story. It has been years since I last wrote for pleasure, but the idea just came to me, out of nowhere, today when I was a work. I suppose this is my way of trying to put something in the big pot of Twilight fanfics from which I so often and greedily read! I would, of course, appreciate any comments, critical or otherwise.

This story takes place before Edward has decided that if he is going to hell, he might as well do it thoroughly. And, for those of you who don't know, bodhi is the Sanskrit word for enlightenment. I hope that helps the story make sense. It may not be readily apparent at first, but I'm sure you'll understand by the end, or at least, I hope it isn't so confusing that you can't. Brownie points to those of you who associate the title with something in the story (which is not at all related to Twilight).

Disclaimer: I am simply playing around a bit with the wonderful world Stephanie Meyer has created. This is a tribute to her wonderful imagination.

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**Bodhi**

He seldom came out to this part of the woods during this time of year- there was little point in it. While the amount of precipitation would slowly decrease over the next few months, it was still a rarity to see a cloudless night. Not that he minded the rain. He had no fears of catching a cold, or risking hypothermia, or melting, for that matter.

As much as he was thankful that clouds more often than not shrouded this part of the country, he couldn't help but hate the rain a little, sometimes. It was ungrateful, he knew. The buildup of moisture in the atmosphere was what allowed him and his family to feel as normal as possible, to go on having whatever semblance of lives they could. And yet- the sun was one of the few things that made him feel alive again, made him warm, as if his body still held its own blood, as if his heart still beat, pulsing blood and oxygen through his veins.

The sun was weak, by comparison, though, to the fleeting warmth and electricity he'd felt when he had carelessly touched her hand…

He stopped himself and closed is eyes, taking a deep breath and holding the cold air in his lungs for a few moments before forcing it out again. He would not continue to play that memory in his head. It was wrong.

When he opened his eyes again, he smiled involuntarily at the break in the clouds above him. He saw stars. It was a shame that they were so seldom seen- the small town lights of Forks couldn't even outshine the dimmest, most far away star. But just as quick as they had appeared, they were gone again. He sighed.

_Brooding again, are we, Hamlet?_

In spite of himself, he smiled again. Alice claimed that he was far too depressive, even for a vampire, but these days his morose demeanor worsened.

He sat up and turned around, surprised to hear Jasper's soft laughter. He saw them then, through the trees, dark shows floating through the forest, soundlessly making their way towards the small patch of ground not populated by trees where he sat.

"We are well acquainted with your penchant for brooding, dear brother, but you have taken it to extremes these past few weeks." Alice's lilting voice floated through the air like a note being plucked from a harp. It was playful, and yet he knew she wasn't simply teasing him.

They stopped on either side of him, Jasper to his right, Alice on his left, and sank to the ground. The tall, blonde haired man stretched out on his back, long legs out in front of him, resting his head on his hands behind him, as Edward had been lying. Alice sat Indian style, facing them.

He raised an eyebrow at her. "Is this an ambush, then?"

Alice waved a hand, dismissing his question. She glanced at the sky, then looked back at him. "I saw that it would be a nice night to stargaze. So, here we are."

Edward's eyes narrowed. He was skeptical, but didn't feel like arguing. "Here you are, indeed."

Alice rolled her eyes at him and lowered her back to the ground, careful to avoid a pile of wet leaves. He shrugged and did the same, lying back on the cold ground to once again gaze upwards. He quieted his mind, thankful that his brother and sister were doing the same.

The clouds were starting to break apart now, thin slivers of dark sky peaking out between them. It was silent for a while. He didn't know how long they'd lain there, watching the clouds drift farther apart, more of the sky becoming visible, until Jasper broke the silence.

"I don't understand it. But…" He paused and shifted, clearly uncomfortable. Edward stayed quiet, letting him gather his thoughts.

_I'm not even sure you want or need reassurance. _Edward turned his head, looking at Jasper expectantly. He was guarding his thoughts carefully. Edward was starting become wary. It was unlike his quiet brother to initiate conversation, even in Alice's presence.

Jasper sat up, brushing leaves off his hands, then placed one behind him to lean against it. He met Edwards confused gaze, and stayed silent for a moment longer. Then he spoke, his voice soft but unwavering. "I haven't felt these emotions from you before. Well…I suppose that's not true. Some I have- guilt, frustration, despair…but not in this context." He searched Edward's eyes, for something, then lowered his gaze back to the ground. "I wouldn't push her away, if I were you."

Edward sat up abruptly, inhaling sharply. Alice put a hand on his shoulder. His head snapped back, eyes flashing angrily for a moment before he sighed heavily. He hadn't discussed this with them yet. Not…these feelings.

"You know you can't hide this from us," Alice whispered next to his ear, hoping to ease some of his tension. "Maybe from the others…maybe even from yourself, but not from us." She gave his shoulder a squeeze. Jasper stood up then and held his hand out to help her up. She smiled up at him and placed her hand in his. He lifted her, and she stepped forward, then looked back at Edward, whose eyes were focused off into the forest in front of them.

"Come and talk with me when you're ready," she said, her voice full of sympathy but full of meaning. Then they were gone.

Edward pushed himself off the ground, his anger growing again, and strode forward into the woods, away from his brother and sister, away from the feelings he couldn't face. The sky had cleared, and the waxing moon tried its best to illuminate the forest. Dim beams of moonlight shone eerily through the tops of the trees. Edward continued walking in a straight line, his hands clenched into fists, his mind racing. Nothing obstructed his path for nearly a mile, until a large maple tree loomed in front of him. Instead of stopping, or simply walking around the tree, Edward's anger flared up and he quickened his pace. He pulled his fist right back, and as he reached the tree he snapped his arm forward and into its trunk. Wood splintered around his hand; the tree shook violently, but refused to fall. He yanked his arm from the large hold he'd just created, preparing to punch again, when he stopped. His breath was coming in loud gasps, air uselessly filling his lungs. He dropped his arm and fell to his knees in front of the tree.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," he sobbed. He held his face in his hands and took a deep, shaky breath. His hands fell limply to the ground, and he looked up, staring at the branches of the towering maple. He then looked down at his left hand, examining his fingers, as if here were words written on his skin.

He stood up and ran back to the house, the trees around him dark blurs. He was ready to talk to Alice now.


End file.
